Death in Family Before Wedding: What ...
Death in family before wedding can turn our world upside down, but with answers to some of the questions in your mind, it would be easier for you to cope with such conditions.
When you find the love of your life and decide to get married, it can be such an exciting and rewarding experience. But unfortunately, you're not just marrying your partner, in a way you're marrying his family too. Most people have had their entire lives to learn the best ways to deal with their own parents, brothers or sisters. But when you try to incorporate a new family with completely different personalities, things can get tricky. So what do you do if you hate your husband's family? How can you keep the peace?
You may hate your in-laws, but try your best to be cordial. You're an adult, and your in-laws are very important to your husband. Do your best to be nice, especially for kids (if you have them). Being catty or mean will only cause problems between you and your husband. You may hate his mother, but she raised him and probably has a very special place in his heart.
Just because you're choosing to be cordial, doesn't mean you have to be a pushover. If you feel like you're being unfairly attacked or judged, stand up for yourself. That being said, do it in a very respectful and honest way. You don't want to give your husband's family any reason to say you're being a hostile person, but at least being honest about how they're coming off, may make them respect you more. You may say: “I hate my husband's family” but at least you're also saying “I won't be pushed around.”
If you really feel like your relationship with your husband's family is in trouble, enlist him for help. You do need to tread lightly on this subject however, you never want to make your husband feel like you're trying to drive a wedge between him and his family. But you and his family have one big thing in common, that you love him. He may be able to talk to his family and remedy a lot of the tension.
If you hate your spouse's family, the best way to combat the tension is to set boundaries. Whether you or your husband speaks to them, make sure you have a polite but direct conversation about what you expect. You may not want everyone dropping by all the time, or giving unsolicited advice. Just make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. The more clear you are, the smoother your relationship will hopefully be.
Unfortunately, if you hate your in-laws because they take things too personally or make hurtful comments, do your best to let it roll off your back. Obviously that's a very difficult thing to do if someone hurts your feelings, but the more you can let the comments go, the more peaceful everything will be. As we mentioned before, don't be a pushover if things really go over the line, but definitely develop some thicker skin and pick your battles.
I know it's hard when you're constantly thinking “I hate my husband's family.” But remember you can't blame him. It's not his fault when his family behaves less than favorably. Even if you think he should stand up for you more, remember he's caught in the middle, and it's also a difficult situation for him.
Make sure to know those things that will really get under your skin during family visits. Once you know the reasons why you dislike your in-laws so much, make an effort to avoid the things that trigger you. You can't always avoid touchy subjects, but you can do your best to avoid the topics.
Social media can be a great tool for keeping in touch with friends and family, but as we all know, there can be a dark side. Make sure not to vent about your husband's family online or air your dirty laundry. It's embarrassing for everyone and is guaranteed to only make things worse.
It's hard to feel compassion for a person you hate, but try and put yourself in their shoes. If you're having problems with your mother or father-in-law, know you may be in her shoes later in life. See if you can find some common ground. You don't have to love them, but a little bit of compassion goes a long way.
Try not to hold grudges. No one is perfect, and honestly your in-laws may really grow on you. Occasionally it takes time to really get to know someone. You may actually find you have more in common with your sister-in-law than you originally thought.
“My fiance's family has a very different dynamic than my family. There are a million things about them that drive me nuts. If you can separate the family's antics from your husband, the battle is won. Don't project your disgust to your husband and the rest is easy. Yes, you'll have to deal with the occasional get-together, but as long as you're allowed to be you, then who cares.”
“I wouldn't say I hate my husband's family, but we've had some disagreements and rough spots over the past few years. His parents are wealthy, so they think that throwing money at things will get them what they want. My husband's brother never had to work for anything in his life. When it was decided that his brother would come to school near us, the in-laws just called my husband and announced that the brother would be living with us for the summer. We were also expected to make sure he was successful in his summer classes. However, my husband and I ended up in counseling over that. My advice to you - before you take that final step and get married, make sure you and your husband are in agreement on boundaries. You just need to be on the same page about how much and what kind of distance is acceptable with your in-laws.”
"My husband and I hold a pretty heavy dislike for each other's family, but we've been happily together for a long time now. The key? We live a long way from both families: 6 hours by car. When you move in together, make sure the distance to them is more than just a brief car jaunt away. When you are together, stay calm, take deep breaths and keep telling yourself 'It's only for a little longer.' I have flown out a few times while my husband has stayed home. Works pretty well!”